Me

• No close female friends
• Pretty but afraid to be too pretty or other girls will hate me and conspire against me
• Closet full of pretty dresses I am too self-conscious to wear
• 4w5
• Loves humanity from a distance
• Dreams of the pure vegetable kingdom

Qualities of the perfect friend

• Opportunistic back-stabber Nice
• Fake Friendly
• Feigns interest Likes the same things

Qualities of the perfect boyfriend

• Thinks I am stupid Extremely smart
• Makes fun of my faith Athiest
• Kills my hope Extremely realistic
• Makes me cry Extremely honest
• Is emotionally unavailable Extremely stoic
• Loves porn more than me Extreme sex appetite

Going to therapy for social anxiety

• I'm too scared to call to set up an appointment

Going to the doctor

• They must think I'm so stupid for being sick
• What right do I have to the full attention of another human for ~10 minutes
• I wish I could just curl up and die
• My survival instinct is telling me to be ruthless -- OK, I'll ruthlessly impose on them

Coping in the workplace

• Be as cheerful and helpful as possible
• Don't make friends with anyone
• Don't talk about opinions
• Don't say anything intelligent unless directly related to task at hand
• Don't talk about anxiety
• Plan an escape strategy for when people eventually hate me

How to interact safely with father

• Talk about cars

How to interact safely with mother

• Unknown

It's my birthday

• Please nobody pay attention to me
• Feel guilty about getting cards in the mail

Cats

• The only creatures who understand my feelings

Reasons I don't commit suicide

• Cats
• It's scary
• I don't want to hurt my body
• Picking up my remains would be just another imposition on the human race
• Some dim glimmer of hope that truly kind and good individuals exist